Those Olympic Opening Titles Explained

What were they thinking? The BBC apparently forgot that being the jewel in the crown of the metaphorical 'crown jewels' of Sport Broadcasting, the Olympic Games were up to them to deliver in glorious technicolour.

Or so it would seem from the frankly bizarre opening titles which display Monkey, Sandy and Pigsy (the least athletic of the three) on a perilous journey to the Bird's Nest stadium. The titles were actually the work of the team behind animated band, the Gorillaz. Damon Albarn (of Blur fame) wrote the music and his mate Jamie Hewlett penned the characters, no doubt at hideous cost to the licence-payer.

Still, better to have what BBC marketing called a "commitment to truly groundbreaking creative work" than, oh, I don't know, a classy stream of vintage Olympic moments, or a representation of more than six of the Olympic sports. Great Britain have currently shown special prowess in cycling, rowing and sailing but not once does Monkey get on his bike, Sandy seems never to contemplate a quick stint in the dingy and as for Pigsy, well, he'd sink your average double-scull.

So, what do they all mean? (In order of appearance)

Pigsy: is clearly the brawn of the operation. And it is he who dismisses One Eyed monster (see below) for good with a well executed hammer throw. Err, except his expertise appear also to lie in pole vault and high bar. Perhaps 2008 is the Chinese year of the pig then. No, that came and went in 2007. One gets the feeling that Pigsy takes shit from no man. He is the symbol of China's bloody minded determination to make these games a success.

One Eyed Monster: Looks to be the finest sprinter on show and despite not being given a good lane draw is bearing down hard on Monkey. One suspects that One Eyed Monster is the symbol of defeat. Thus, among other things, Monkey is victory, snatched from the jaws of defeat in order that he might ride away speedily on his cloud. Now if that isn't technological doping, I don't know what is.

Big snake: Massive intimidatory presence and global menace. Could be representative of international doping scandals.

Monkey: Hero of the piece. Well drilled sprinter, champion cloud rider and fine javelin thrower. Monkey saves the day with a quite remarkable javelin throw which lodges between the sharp teeth of One Eyed Monster after demonstrating a curious judo-cum-Graeco-Roman-wrestling manouevre which frees him from apparently pointless giant egg. Symbol of good overcoming adversity and evil. A bit like watching an Ethiopian marathon runner limp home through Chinese smog.

Sandy: Swimming and diving maestro. Token humanoid in a world of animalian champions and worthy claimant of champagne moment when, matrix-style, he delivers a bone-shuddering roundhouse kick to the face of Big Snake. Sandy is the people's hero for the people's republic.